it seemed

as if the heavy
weight of her weariness

melted into
the straw

as her
exhausted body

surrendered
itself

to the
makeshift bed

that Joseph
had fashioned

was here

of unimaginable

relief and
joy

washed over
her and through her

like an
all-consuming tidal wave

what the
future held

she knew she
could trust

her Adonai

to his
purposes

and he

had
delivered on his promise

and a
million unanswerable questions

through the
discomfort

and after
pains

of
childbirth

in the total
unknowing

of what came
next

the whole
weight of her tired body

settled into
the straw

and utter
joy

flooded her
senses

she thought

according to
your Word

.

out
of nowhere,

like
a whisper in the night,

delivered
the message,

the
truly astounding message,

and
then

like
a half forgotten dream in the morning

he
was gone

as
if he’d never been,

leaving
me wondering

pondering

wrestling
with questions unanswerable,

knowing
that everything

every
single thing

had
just

changed.

and
now

there
was no turning back.

on
my belly

and
pondered

the
mystery of it all.

o favoured
one
the Lord is
with you

the voice was
clear
and steady

this radiant
dazzling figure
who’d
mysteriously appeared
out of
nowhere

felt her own

sharp intake
of breath
before this
strange figure
who’d rudely
interrupted
her
daydreaming

of a man
yet was
so very
different
nebulous
shining
his features
softened
by a
shimmering glow
and he
carried a presence
that
emanated
an
extraordinary peace

felt on edge
adrenalin
coursed
through her
like a
mighty waterfall
she felt in
the presence
of something

terrifyingly
beautiful
spell bindingly
powerful
hugely frightening

simply
do not be
afraid

could have
prepared her
for what
came next

one who will
reign
over Israel
forever

of the Most
High

Jesus

a heady cocktail
of confusion, questions
arguments
random
tumbling thoughts                                           

after a
split second
that felt
longer than a lifetime

this
terrifying encounter
had to be a
mistake
he had the
wrong girl
it couldn’t
possibly
be her
she’d never
slept with a man

carried on

will
overshadow you
and make you
pregnant

the Son of
God

a holy baby?

battled for
attention within Mary
she wanted
to run like the wind
from this conversation
pretend it
never happened
get back to
being ordinary

voiced
itself in her head

will
conceive a child                                                                            

this crazy
scenario
all seemed impossibly
possible

that she was
the chosen one

knew she
could never deserve it
had no concept
of the consequences
she wanted
to laugh, cry, dance
all at once
wanted to tell
everyone
about the
angel

there was
only one response
she could
make

let it be to
me
as you have
said

.

I held his gaze
for a lifetime

eternity
compressed within a second

eyes locked
in unspoken pain
and understanding

recognition
of a calling
too high
to walk away from
whatever
the excruciating cost

I knew about calling

and the cost of his
couldn’t have been higher

with every nerve in my body
I felt the inevitability of it

every
twist and turn
of the journey
every road
from the stable to now
had been leading
towards this path
propelling me
into this sword piercing pain
the agony
of watching him
steadily walk
towards his certain death

apology
love
fear
broken dreams
a lifetime of emotion
filled the air between us

we dare not let ourselves
come close
for fear
the nearness would break us
our love for each other
draw him away
from the call

I busied myself
bit my lip
got on with the difficult business
of being ordinary

once upon a time
a young girl
gave herself
to a labour of love,
a labour
characterised by struggle,
the eternal struggle
between darkness
and light,
the struggle that light
and truth
wholeness
and beauty
were destined
eventually
to win

the battle
between exquisite peace
and sword piercing pain
that began to reveal its destiny
through the young girl’s
labour

quietly
secretly
imperceptibly
Light
was coming,
on its way
across time and space,
to make itself known

and it made its first appearance
with a sign
the shimmering ethereal
radiance
of an angel
bright
clear
unmistakable
softly entering
into an ordinary day

an angel who said
will you lend
your love
that God might birth
a greater Love
through you

and Mary said
yes

tell God

I say yes

unlike any other
and yet
so much
like every other
newborn babe

the visible image
of the invisible God
suckled at the breast

drew his nourishment
from the one
whom he’d chosen
to mother him

utterly transcendent
wholly dependent
thoroughly human
completely divine

God
suckled at the breast

and Mary
once more
gave her body in love
and pondered
the mystery

when her eyes
could bear
to look at him no more
her head
dropped
and finally
her brave composure shattered
a great releasing
flow of grief
consumed her shaking body

and John’s
strong arms
wrapped themselves tightly round her
sharing the pain
holding her together
in her brokenness

and when the tears
had run their painful course
her vacant eyes
stared blindly
through the watery veil
at the bloodstains
by her feet
the blood of her son
colouring the Golgotha dust

and her mind went back
to another time
another lonely place
when it was her blood
staining a dusty stable floor
blood of her womb
outpoured
in his birthing

to a time
when she had made
her sacrifice
given her virginal womb
to the purposes of God

and as another
deep
red
globule
fell to the ground
she knew
that this was her blood too
another sacrifice by her
and part of her
was dying with him

and another tear
broke loose

a poem birthed during my time of reflective writing this Christmas:

the tiny miracle
of God-made-small
drinks at the warm
soft breast
of the girl
whose womb
has nurtured him
to life

taking the risk
of placing himself
in the care of his own
creation
God births himself
through a wonderful act
of love

divinity
kisses
humanity
staking the future
on Mary’s
yes

heaven
comes home
to earth